Retrospective on 2010

As the year comes to a close, I'm looking back at how far I and the people around me have come.

A year ago, I had just undergone the final surgery punctuating the completion of my battle with cancer, from which I emerged victorious with new strength and resolve.

Since deciding a few years ago to tackle my gender identity issues, this year has finally seen some significant strides in that direction.

In February I came out to my two sisters. My youngest sister accepted and was immediately supportive, I've visited her twice since as Gillian and love that she introduces me to her friends as her sister. My middle sister has struggled throughout the year, her husband and kids are a long way off but she may be nearly ready to meet me.

In the spring, my SO and I kept travelling along our path - trying to keep our Wednesdays together as a special day for reconnecting. I would take the day away from the office to spend as myself, have a nice lunch with her (we discovered a wonderful restaurant in Uxbridge - The Tin Mill), maybe do a little shopping. In the evening we went into Toronto so I could attend my group session for the Gender Identity Clinic at CAMH and Sharon would read quietly at the local Starbucks.

I made some wonderful friends at the CAMH group, did a lot of discovery and soul searching and confirmed I was on the right path.

Also in the spring I decided it was time to begin HRT, and asked my family doctor for a referral to the endocrinologist that CAMH recommended. In August I saw him and began HRT. This marked the beginning of my physical transition.

In July the group at CAMH disbanded for the summer, but also the facilitator - Maxine Petersen, a person I'd grown to respect, announced she was retiring. There has not been a group meeting at CAMH since. We (myself and the friends I made there) continue to hope they resume the program in 2011.

Over the summer, my SO struggled with the social implications of continuing our relationship through my transition. Don't get me wrong - she fully supports me, but she struggled with the authenticity of being known as a lesbian when she knew it wasn't strictly true. We came through it, but I can't say we were really past it until we attended the couples sessions at Fantasia Fair in Provincetown in October. They were amazing, helped us understand our relationship in the larger social context, and continued to solidify our bond. On the way driving home from Fantasia Fair we read aloud Transgender Explained by Joanne Herman. We talked a lot, and this was the first book I'd read that I pretty much fully identified and agreed with. I now have 3 copies I lend to family and friends.

In October, now a couple months into HRT and feeling pretty comfortable with myself, I began to really feel the vacant spot where my religious faith used to be. I was baptized and raised Roman Catholic, and felt for a long time that it wasn't worth the effort to try and reconcile my authentic self and my childhood faith. However, I had some great conversations with folks at Fantasia Fair and have been in contact with some folks that may be able to help me come to terms with this.

Even though the current Catholic leadership seems against me, I've met some wonderful people and indications seem to be that folks in general are reasonably accepting or at least tolerant. I can only hope that through efforts of more progressive Catholic organizations that we can show these leaders what the medical community has learned over recent years - that this isn't something that can be "prayed away" or "cured" through psychotherapy. That it is normal, and natural, and God's intention that some of us be blessed with this extraordinary perspective.

In October through December I attended the Gender Journeys program through the Sherbourne Health Clinic in Toronto. The program was amazing, and I met so many wonderful people - it was a more structured program than the group at CAMH and the participants were so wonderfully diverse.

In November I came out to my parents. This was huge and it's still very new to to them, but we're working our way through it. It's just taking a lot of time, talking, and patience. I fear they feel alone in this, and am trying to help.

Christmas was both relaxing and difficult for me. I enjoy this time of year, seeing and catching up with my extended family. However I wonder how many more years I will have like this, before I'm fully out, and how that will affect how I relate to them. I had to laugh at the moments when someone would ask what's new and I'd have to go through the inventory searching desperately for non-trans-related material!

And now, after a much needed Christmas break I'm considering what 2011 will mean for me and my family. Given everything I've done in 2010, I'm a bit nervous about all the tremendous things I will accomplish next year. What will the next steps in my transition be? Will I continue to be as well accepted has I have been up until now? Will my parents eventually come to terms with this?

Only time will tell - and I'm both looking forward to and dreading the journey.

Edging Out

I've been feeling the urge to come out lately. Maybe I'm being tired of feeling bottled up, maybe because I'm getting out more than ever, maybe because since I've come out to my parents the fear of being discovered has lifted.

This year has been very eventful for me - early in the year I came out to my two sisters. In November I came out to my parents. Between November and December I came out to two people in my business and a third person who does coaching for my staff.

This is different than those people I meet when I'm out shopping or at conferences and events because these people have known me for a long time.

The hardest reactions have been from my middle sister and my parents. They love me, and there's no question of that, but their love and concern really makes them question this choice that I'm making.

I'm not entirely sure they fully understand what my choice is. I feel in my soul that the choice is between continuing to live a half-life, or beginning to live an authentic life. Sometimes it feels like others think my choice is whether to be trans or not. I have expressed my feelings different ways, but in the end they're my feelings - I'm the only one who has felt them, and the words I use simply can't help someone else feel them.

Coming out to co-workers and friends is different, they don't know me as well as my family. In some ways it's easier because a negative reaction wouldn't hurt me as much, but in some ways it's harder because this is a very personal thing and we don't typically have conversations with this much intimacy. They take what I'm saying more at face value, and their questions are much less "are you sure this is what you want to do?" and more "wow, does electrolysis hurt?"...

All in all, this has been a very good year for my emergence. Since deciding this was my path, I've made and continue to make great strides along it. Next year will see continued change in me, both physically (I started hormones this year) and socially.

Pride

What a great weekend!

I'd been looking forward to Pride weekend in Toronto for some time. I volunteered to help out at the Trans Space booth, and the Xpressions dinner was on Saturday night. Alas, I was unable to go again today due to family obligations.

Friday night I arrived in Toronto a bit early and had dinner with some friends, then I went to the booth for a bit of orientation, then we did the Trans March.

The Trans March was incredible - so many people both in the march and watching from the streets. We walked from Hayden St down to Wood St, where we stopped and milled around a bit shoulder-to-shoulder.

Saturday after a bit of parking trouble I spent the afternoon at the Trans Space booth talking to people. We had a "gender map" that was very popular and got so many passer-bys involved... People born a girl took a red pin, born a boy took a blue pin, and we had "identify as man" on the left, "identify as woman" on the right, "attracted to men" on top and "attracted to women" on the bottom. Then everyone pushed their pin into the board where they fit in the spectrum.

The board got a lot of people thinking and talking, which was exactly what we wanted...

The dinner at Cafe California was great as usual, good conversation and good food are two things you'll find at any Xpressions dinner...

Fathers Day

What a strange day for me :)

I am still father to three wonderful teenage girls. They want this day to be for me.

Is it bad that my most-wanted activities for Fathers Day are a mani/pedi and to go out for tea in some quaint Ontario town? I don't think so :) in fact maybe today is the best day for my kind of activities as all the stereotypical "guy" places will be pretty busy.

Thankfully my girls are very open minded, and although this is our "cleaning the house" weekend, I'm hoping for some relaxing time with the family and a nice movie.

Am I An Imposter?

Sometimes when I'm out as a guy, I find myself feeling like an impostor.

Last week, I went golfing, first time in probably 15 years. I really enjoyed the golf, but at the pub afterwards I felt like an impostor in the group (3 men).

This weekend, I went to a BBQ with some of my wife's high-school friends some of whom she hasn't seen in 20 years. I enjoyed the company but when getting into the stereotypical guy conversations again I felt like an impostor.

At the BBQ, there were some great musicians and I found myself yearning to pick up my guitar again. Especially listening to one fellow who declared that he'd always played guitar but couldn't really play any songs until a couple years ago.

I'd love to play and sing, but I know my voice wouldn't fit. My natural voice is very male, sort of high baritone to tenor range. I'm probably going to play around some, but don't hold a lot of hope I could pull this off as Gillian.

Laser

Had my 8th session on my face last week. A lot of patches are really stubborn and just not going away.

Thinking about changing clinics. Will watch to see what comes back on my face and get another session on my arms in the meanwhile.

I hate this body hair. I'm so self-conscious about it.

I did go out on Saturday for dinner with the least makeup I've ever worn. And I felt good about it. I think that says a lot right there. Maybe I shouldn't stress so much.

Overcompensating

I've been thinking lately about how I've overcompensated for things in the past. Trying to run away, if only for a short time, from being born a guy. I think back to when I used to wear heavy makeup to cover my male face, and wish for a huge bust to distract from my male chest.

I've noticed lately that this has been subsiding. I am comfortable with minimal makeup (mostly thanks to laser, but also because I'm not stressing over its shape so much now). I even went out with minimal breast enhancement a couple weeks ago (I normally wear a 38C or D, but went out in a nice push-up 38A bra). I've also taken to not wearing my padded panties every time I go out.

The difference in how I feel has been subtle, but moving. I feel more like it's me I'm presenting rather than a facade.

Seeing the Girl

Today was an especially good day for this.

So often, I look in the mirror and can barely see the girl for the guy in front. On days like today, I look in the mirror and can barely see the guy.

It makes me feel good, and it's reassuring that I'm moving in the right direction.

I think what tipped the scales today is the little bit of foundation I was wearing. It really wasn't much, but it made just enough difference in the tone of my skin that Gillian popped right out.

Many things about my appearance are finally coming together - I love my long hair, and I've had 6 laser hair removal sessions on my face. Basically that means with minimal makeup and the right hairstyle, I'm looking pretty femme.

Dancing

I've always been very fond of music. I play several instruments, I listen to music constantly, I have a wide range of tastes.

But I had never really enjoyed dancing.

I always felt awkward. Out of place and self-conscious. Deathly afraid I'd look like a girl in front of my friends. So I just always avoided it.

I'd thought occasionally over the past year that the girl in me might really enjoy dancing. My deeply ingrained fear kept getting the better of me.

This past weekend though I had a revelation. I just did it - I was at the Gal's Spring Fling, my makeup and dress were fabulous, I was feeling great about myself, and I started to feel the music. I looked at my wife, our eyes connected and we headed straight for the dance floor.

I was hooked.

From the time the music started to after midnight, even though at the end of the night my feet were killing me from dancing in 3" heels, I couldn't stop. I had no structure, no "moves", I just flowed with the music, and the whole time felt like some crazy sexy freestyle artist.

My wife was shocked - she said, "Now we know, you're a girl!" All those years who knew I had this bottled up inside me. It felt amazing to let it out. So free.

And now, after years of disappointing my wife by never wanting to go out dancing I finally find myself intrigued and wanting to go out again.

Emerging

This blog has been a long time coming.

I'm a male-to-female transgendered person, working my way towards living life full time as a woman. I'm over 40, married for 15 years with three teenaged girls.

My wife is understanding, and although I was honest with her before we were married, my emergence has constantly challenged that understanding with its changing landscape.

I've passed many important events in my emergence so far, and at this point am comfortable out and about en-femme in just about any situation.

I'm intending this blog to be a diary of my continued emergence, as I go from only living 2-3 days a week in my felt gender to living full-time. It will take some time, as I can't be too disruptive to my family or business.

I hope my stories here will help others come to terms with their own transgendered identity, inspire them to overcome the hurdles they find in front of them.