My Four-Compass Theory of Gender and Sexuality

As I've come along this journey, over the past few years I've formulated a theory and a way that I enjoy explaining the variations that people see in Gender and Sexuality.

I call it my Four-Compass Theory.

It basically goes like this:

Everyone should know what a compass looks like - a round device with markings for North, South, East and West and a floating needle that points North.

Now it rarely points precisely towards any of its labels, and this is important to remember throughout this essay.

I believe a person's Gender and Sexuality can be roughly (not precisely, don't start throwing rotten tomatoes at me!) described using 4 compasses.

The first compass, your Physical Sex, is declared by your mother's doctor when you're born. Your genitals are observed and the doctor declares, "It's a boy!" Well, normally it's clear. For Intersex people it may be somewhere in between boy and girl, and any variation in the appearance of the genitalia may cause a moment of confusion. There are also other controversial factors behind which little research has been done, things like female or male traits in the brain, that can't be seen.

The second compass, your Sexual Orientation, is who you're romantically or physically attracted to. If your first compass points near male, it might be strongly due-female (Heterosexual) or due-male (Homosexual). Or somewhere in between (Bi-Sexual), or all spinny and indeterminate (Pan-Sexual?).

The third compass, your Gender Expression, is instinctive but also socially influenced. You may appear to all around you as 100% man or woman. You may have behaviours or traits that seem contradictive to how people of your "assigned gender" are expected to act or look in your society – a strong jawline, a feminine nose, a certain bounce to your walk, the way you hold your hands, etc.

And the fourth compass, your Gender Identity, is how you feel inside. This is the most challenging compass to read, because nobody knows really how anybody else feels inside. It tends to be invisible to others, and there are no medical tests, or psychological tests that can conclusively determine the direction in which your Gender Identity compass points. But it is a strong and persistent feeling internal to us all, and may point due-male, due-female, somewhere in between, or all spinny and indeterminate.

Now, you can see the "norms" in these compasses - someone's first compass (Physical Sex) points male, their second compass (Sexual Orientation) points female, their third compass (Gender Expression) points male, and their fourth compass (Gender Identity) points male. Someone born male, comfortable in their maleness, and attracted to females.

You can also see other simple patterns (sorry in advance for these labels, I don't mean to offend) like a masculine gay male - someone born male, who is attracted to men, who looks and acts like a man (he wouldn't immediately tweak any but the strongest "gay-dar"), and he identifies as a man. Or a feminine gay male, someone born male, who is attracted to men, who may have some effeminate behaviours, but who strongly identifies as a man (does not feel feminine). Or a butch lesbian - born female, attracted to women, has more male behaviours and an aversion to frilly things, and strongly identifies as a woman and will punch your lights out if you suggest otherwise.

Enough of labels. As you can see, you can invent quite a few because these compasses can be pointing in all kinds of directions. In the end, people are who they are and should be loved and respected for that alone.

For me, I had a very difficult time deciding upon transition because from society's perspective only my Gender Identity compass was "off-kilter". Remember, there are no medical tests that can determine your Gender Identity, this can only come from within. I was declared male when I was born. I have never been attracted to men, only women. I did not exhibit any particularly feminine traits in my appearance or behaviour. I just had this nagging friction going through life that something was wrong. Unless I had explored presenting as female part-time, I would never have known that that was the cause of my friction.

I owe a lot to the transgender community, especially the Xpressions group in Toronto for encouraging me to step out of my closet and experience life in my felt gender. Without those experiences (and enough of them to get past the high of "OMG I'm actually doing this!"), when the repeated question from my psychiatrist at CAMH came - "Do you feel more comfortable in the male role or female role?" I would not have been able to honestly answer it.

So there it is, my Four Compass theory and a bit of discussion around it. So think about yourself, where do your compasses lie?

1 Month Full-Time

Well, I'm almost there, just four more days, and it will be 1 month full-time.

What's happened?

Well, all kinds. And not a lot.

First and foremost, let me say that it is fantastic to just be one person all the time. Not loading and unloading my purse, worrying about keeping my mannerisms in check, etc. Been great using my femme voice full-time to try and train my larynx better. From this standpoint, it's like I've been preparing to move to a new country (planet?) and now I'm finally here. I've never been here before, so it's pretty exciting :)

Oh, not exciting in a big way. Just in that "Oh, I'm going to make spaghetti for dinner, I really like spaghetti" kind of way. It's been pretty matter-of-fact, the routine of everything, but if I stop and think about things I can't help but do a little happy-dance.

My morning routine is now routine. Getting dressed is still a tad stressful as my wardrobe has some gaps and I have to be more careful about laundry. I'm still stressing a bit about my weight; I need to lose some of it.

Work contacts have been so far 100% accepting and trying hard to use the right name and pronouns. I try and tell them how much I appreciate it every chance I get. Customer meetings have all gone great, and that great awful dread of using the telephone is starting to subside (I'm very self-conscious about my voice).

More than once, I've received the most flattering comment I think someone could make - "If I hadn't known you before I'd never have guessed..." I think I glow for at least a day after someone tells me that. Even if they're just being nice.

Next month marks the big kick-off of fall events in the technical communities in which I'm involved. I expect I'll have an interesting time re-introducing myself to folks there.

I don't have any funny stories or anything yet. Slightly disappointing. I don't think I'm going to have as good material as this for awkward stories ever again :-)

Announcement

So, last Friday I announced my intention to go full-time on Jul 30th. Actually I think it will happen on the 29th, or maybe the afternoon of the 28th :)

The announcement went out through my business contacts and my main social channels, and I did it with a simple email pointing to a more detailed blog post (http://wp.me/s6zFT-changes) that I posted out to my business blog.

My blog saw 246 hits on Friday, 92 hits on Saturday, 65 hits on Sunday and so far 75 hits today (Monday). Normal traffic is 10-20 hits. Needless to say, folks have been sharing :)

As luck would have it (or as God blessed me with) I found a picture of myself that I actually like, and posted it along with the announcement to help people who knew *him* visualize me.

The response has been overwhelming, from all sides. Family, friends, business contacts, all positive responses and messages of support. I had the tissue box close all weekend, even today responding to messages I could hardly keep from tearing up.

When you keep a secret like this your whole life, you put up walls and keep yourself far from the hope that people will accept you - out of sheer terror of judgement and ridicule. When you finally venture outside the walls, and find acceptance and support, it's shattering. I had a response from a place I wasn't expecting support on Saturday and I was reduced to a blubbering idiot.

Family are especially hard to deal with, because you have the double-edge knife - judgement from family can cut closer to the bone than anything, but family can be upset that you would even think that they would judge you.

So I will be continuing to blog about my transition here, separate from my business blog. I will probably also one day link my Facebook account to here as well, so that others can read more of my story. I know this blog has some pretty big holes in it though - so I promise I'll blog more in the future :)

Catching Up

A friend today reminded me I had a blog, and I realized I should be writing more :)

So it's June now, my last post in February... I had been keeping up the pace of coming out to at least a person a week, but now I've run out of people to tell - so I suppose it's OK that I haven't kept the pace.

The weight of being authentic has lifted somewhat. It's hard to explain, but as I've emerged and as my transition continues I am realizing that I no longer have to do anything to feel right, I simply am. This has meant that I no longer feel good just when my presentation matches my felt gender, it has spread everywhere and now I feel kind of like I'm cross-dressing for work. This has put additional pressure on stepping up my transition date as there's really no work-related reason to continue to delay.

My wife and I have stepped back a bit from our participation in the trans community, not because we don't have great friends there but because we're realizing how much it has inadvertently taken away from our own couple time. Instead of going to the Spring Fling event in May for example, we called to ensure same-sex couples were welcome at the Couples Resort in Whitney ON and took a mini vacation up north. It was incredible, both from our relationship standpoint and from the acceptance we received at the resort. It remains our favourite getaway spot, the venue is beautiful, the rooms richly decorated, and the food is exquisite.

As my wife and I will be living as a same-sex couple soon, we've made efforts to connect with the local PFLAG chapter in order to make some local friends. And as is my nature, our attendance has lead to a bit of involvement. Tomorrow is the first-ever Pride parade in Durham Region and I've volunteered to cook the sausage for the PFLAG family breakfast beforehand.

There have been some amusing things that have happened since getting involved in PFLAG; my personal and business selves have begun to blur... it's lead to conversations among my contacts like "It looks like (my company) is going to be placing an ad in Pink Pages", "Great, I know (my guy name) there, he's the owner", "Oh yeah? I was talking to Gillian, she's an owner too"... :)

My wife's parents came back from wintering in Florida and we told them in May. They were pretty shocked. Her mum has met me, and is working towards acceptance but I think her dad is avoiding the issue.

I hadn't pushed my own parents much, but with being out and about so much I asked my mum when they'd like to meet me. They came back and said we needed to have a "serious conversation" first. So at this point I'm waiting for that to happen, perhaps with a tiny bit of dread but I'm keeping an open mind about it.

I'd really like to set a date for transition, my wife and I have talked about August or September. I'm apprehensive actually setting it because of my parents' recent shift but it so needs to happen, and soon.

Picking Up the Pace

So this year I've really stepped up the pace of things.

I decided over the Christmas break that I was going to spend every day I could the way I feel, and I've kept that promise so far. This has meant that every non-work day this year has belonged to Gillian. It has had a tremendously positive impact on how I feel.

In order to do this, I've had to be out and about in my home town. So I began coming out to more people - at least one new person every week. My parents and sisters have known for some time, so this year started with some of the individuals at my business, then all of my employees, then my best friend of the past 14 years (this past Monday).

My staff were all pretty surprised and non-judgemental, which was awesome. We've even worked together (them and Gillian) on a Saturday on a special project and I didn't pick up on any weird vibes at all.

My best friend was a different story - but he's a sensitive and caring person (don't tell him that, he'll deny it!). He was very worried that I'm making a bad decision. I popped over and we went for a drive and I told him - he was totally shocked. For the next couple hours he tried over and over again to reason it and analyze it and of course failed every step of the way. I can't explain this in any logical terms, and my vocabulary for sharing my emotions and feelings has had very little practice to this point. He felt bad the next morning and texted me that he felt he should have been more supportive and was there for me. He's a great friend.

Being out and about in my home town is a little odd - I've avoided it for so long Gillian feels almost like a stranger here. I see people I saw all the time and I notice that I'm acting a bit embarrassed around them and I hate that - working hard to be as natural with the people I recognize as those I don't.

I haven't run into any extended family or friends yet, it's just a matter of time. However now that I've begun spreading the news about me more widely I'm sure the rumour mill will start to turn before long so it won't be a total surprise. Friends I'm not worried about at all, but family I have to get better at keeping in touch with my parents so I'm sure they're prepared.

Anyways, today is a special day. I'm finally making it to a Dignity Canada sponsored evening at Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto. The topic is "Living from the Centre" lead by Barbara Sheppard, and it's followed by a mass. I'm not sure what to expect, but I think this will be an important experience along the path to reconnecting with my faith.

Retrospective on 2010

As the year comes to a close, I'm looking back at how far I and the people around me have come.

A year ago, I had just undergone the final surgery punctuating the completion of my battle with cancer, from which I emerged victorious with new strength and resolve.

Since deciding a few years ago to tackle my gender identity issues, this year has finally seen some significant strides in that direction.

In February I came out to my two sisters. My youngest sister accepted and was immediately supportive, I've visited her twice since as Gillian and love that she introduces me to her friends as her sister. My middle sister has struggled throughout the year, her husband and kids are a long way off but she may be nearly ready to meet me.

In the spring, my SO and I kept travelling along our path - trying to keep our Wednesdays together as a special day for reconnecting. I would take the day away from the office to spend as myself, have a nice lunch with her (we discovered a wonderful restaurant in Uxbridge - The Tin Mill), maybe do a little shopping. In the evening we went into Toronto so I could attend my group session for the Gender Identity Clinic at CAMH and Sharon would read quietly at the local Starbucks.

I made some wonderful friends at the CAMH group, did a lot of discovery and soul searching and confirmed I was on the right path.

Also in the spring I decided it was time to begin HRT, and asked my family doctor for a referral to the endocrinologist that CAMH recommended. In August I saw him and began HRT. This marked the beginning of my physical transition.

In July the group at CAMH disbanded for the summer, but also the facilitator - Maxine Petersen, a person I'd grown to respect, announced she was retiring. There has not been a group meeting at CAMH since. We (myself and the friends I made there) continue to hope they resume the program in 2011.

Over the summer, my SO struggled with the social implications of continuing our relationship through my transition. Don't get me wrong - she fully supports me, but she struggled with the authenticity of being known as a lesbian when she knew it wasn't strictly true. We came through it, but I can't say we were really past it until we attended the couples sessions at Fantasia Fair in Provincetown in October. They were amazing, helped us understand our relationship in the larger social context, and continued to solidify our bond. On the way driving home from Fantasia Fair we read aloud Transgender Explained by Joanne Herman. We talked a lot, and this was the first book I'd read that I pretty much fully identified and agreed with. I now have 3 copies I lend to family and friends.

In October, now a couple months into HRT and feeling pretty comfortable with myself, I began to really feel the vacant spot where my religious faith used to be. I was baptized and raised Roman Catholic, and felt for a long time that it wasn't worth the effort to try and reconcile my authentic self and my childhood faith. However, I had some great conversations with folks at Fantasia Fair and have been in contact with some folks that may be able to help me come to terms with this.

Even though the current Catholic leadership seems against me, I've met some wonderful people and indications seem to be that folks in general are reasonably accepting or at least tolerant. I can only hope that through efforts of more progressive Catholic organizations that we can show these leaders what the medical community has learned over recent years - that this isn't something that can be "prayed away" or "cured" through psychotherapy. That it is normal, and natural, and God's intention that some of us be blessed with this extraordinary perspective.

In October through December I attended the Gender Journeys program through the Sherbourne Health Clinic in Toronto. The program was amazing, and I met so many wonderful people - it was a more structured program than the group at CAMH and the participants were so wonderfully diverse.

In November I came out to my parents. This was huge and it's still very new to to them, but we're working our way through it. It's just taking a lot of time, talking, and patience. I fear they feel alone in this, and am trying to help.

Christmas was both relaxing and difficult for me. I enjoy this time of year, seeing and catching up with my extended family. However I wonder how many more years I will have like this, before I'm fully out, and how that will affect how I relate to them. I had to laugh at the moments when someone would ask what's new and I'd have to go through the inventory searching desperately for non-trans-related material!

And now, after a much needed Christmas break I'm considering what 2011 will mean for me and my family. Given everything I've done in 2010, I'm a bit nervous about all the tremendous things I will accomplish next year. What will the next steps in my transition be? Will I continue to be as well accepted has I have been up until now? Will my parents eventually come to terms with this?

Only time will tell - and I'm both looking forward to and dreading the journey.

Edging Out

I've been feeling the urge to come out lately. Maybe I'm being tired of feeling bottled up, maybe because I'm getting out more than ever, maybe because since I've come out to my parents the fear of being discovered has lifted.

This year has been very eventful for me - early in the year I came out to my two sisters. In November I came out to my parents. Between November and December I came out to two people in my business and a third person who does coaching for my staff.

This is different than those people I meet when I'm out shopping or at conferences and events because these people have known me for a long time.

The hardest reactions have been from my middle sister and my parents. They love me, and there's no question of that, but their love and concern really makes them question this choice that I'm making.

I'm not entirely sure they fully understand what my choice is. I feel in my soul that the choice is between continuing to live a half-life, or beginning to live an authentic life. Sometimes it feels like others think my choice is whether to be trans or not. I have expressed my feelings different ways, but in the end they're my feelings - I'm the only one who has felt them, and the words I use simply can't help someone else feel them.

Coming out to co-workers and friends is different, they don't know me as well as my family. In some ways it's easier because a negative reaction wouldn't hurt me as much, but in some ways it's harder because this is a very personal thing and we don't typically have conversations with this much intimacy. They take what I'm saying more at face value, and their questions are much less "are you sure this is what you want to do?" and more "wow, does electrolysis hurt?"...

All in all, this has been a very good year for my emergence. Since deciding this was my path, I've made and continue to make great strides along it. Next year will see continued change in me, both physically (I started hormones this year) and socially.