A friend today reminded me I had a blog, and I realized I should be writing more :)
So it's June now, my last post in February... I had been keeping up the pace of coming out to at least a person a week, but now I've run out of people to tell - so I suppose it's OK that I haven't kept the pace.
The weight of being authentic has lifted somewhat. It's hard to explain, but as I've emerged and as my transition continues I am realizing that I no longer have to do anything to feel right, I simply am. This has meant that I no longer feel good just when my presentation matches my felt gender, it has spread everywhere and now I feel kind of like I'm cross-dressing for work. This has put additional pressure on stepping up my transition date as there's really no work-related reason to continue to delay.
My wife and I have stepped back a bit from our participation in the trans community, not because we don't have great friends there but because we're realizing how much it has inadvertently taken away from our own couple time. Instead of going to the Spring Fling event in May for example, we called to ensure same-sex couples were welcome at the Couples Resort in Whitney ON and took a mini vacation up north. It was incredible, both from our relationship standpoint and from the acceptance we received at the resort. It remains our favourite getaway spot, the venue is beautiful, the rooms richly decorated, and the food is exquisite.
As my wife and I will be living as a same-sex couple soon, we've made efforts to connect with the local PFLAG chapter in order to make some local friends. And as is my nature, our attendance has lead to a bit of involvement. Tomorrow is the first-ever Pride parade in Durham Region and I've volunteered to cook the sausage for the PFLAG family breakfast beforehand.
There have been some amusing things that have happened since getting involved in PFLAG; my personal and business selves have begun to blur... it's lead to conversations among my contacts like "It looks like (my company) is going to be placing an ad in Pink Pages", "Great, I know (my guy name) there, he's the owner", "Oh yeah? I was talking to Gillian, she's an owner too"... :)
My wife's parents came back from wintering in Florida and we told them in May. They were pretty shocked. Her mum has met me, and is working towards acceptance but I think her dad is avoiding the issue.
I hadn't pushed my own parents much, but with being out and about so much I asked my mum when they'd like to meet me. They came back and said we needed to have a "serious conversation" first. So at this point I'm waiting for that to happen, perhaps with a tiny bit of dread but I'm keeping an open mind about it.
I'd really like to set a date for transition, my wife and I have talked about August or September. I'm apprehensive actually setting it because of my parents' recent shift but it so needs to happen, and soon.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Picking Up the Pace
So this year I've really stepped up the pace of things.
I decided over the Christmas break that I was going to spend every day I could the way I feel, and I've kept that promise so far. This has meant that every non-work day this year has belonged to Gillian. It has had a tremendously positive impact on how I feel.
In order to do this, I've had to be out and about in my home town. So I began coming out to more people - at least one new person every week. My parents and sisters have known for some time, so this year started with some of the individuals at my business, then all of my employees, then my best friend of the past 14 years (this past Monday).
My staff were all pretty surprised and non-judgemental, which was awesome. We've even worked together (them and Gillian) on a Saturday on a special project and I didn't pick up on any weird vibes at all.
My best friend was a different story - but he's a sensitive and caring person (don't tell him that, he'll deny it!). He was very worried that I'm making a bad decision. I popped over and we went for a drive and I told him - he was totally shocked. For the next couple hours he tried over and over again to reason it and analyze it and of course failed every step of the way. I can't explain this in any logical terms, and my vocabulary for sharing my emotions and feelings has had very little practice to this point. He felt bad the next morning and texted me that he felt he should have been more supportive and was there for me. He's a great friend.
Being out and about in my home town is a little odd - I've avoided it for so long Gillian feels almost like a stranger here. I see people I saw all the time and I notice that I'm acting a bit embarrassed around them and I hate that - working hard to be as natural with the people I recognize as those I don't.
I haven't run into any extended family or friends yet, it's just a matter of time. However now that I've begun spreading the news about me more widely I'm sure the rumour mill will start to turn before long so it won't be a total surprise. Friends I'm not worried about at all, but family I have to get better at keeping in touch with my parents so I'm sure they're prepared.
Anyways, today is a special day. I'm finally making it to a Dignity Canada sponsored evening at Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto. The topic is "Living from the Centre" lead by Barbara Sheppard, and it's followed by a mass. I'm not sure what to expect, but I think this will be an important experience along the path to reconnecting with my faith.
I decided over the Christmas break that I was going to spend every day I could the way I feel, and I've kept that promise so far. This has meant that every non-work day this year has belonged to Gillian. It has had a tremendously positive impact on how I feel.
In order to do this, I've had to be out and about in my home town. So I began coming out to more people - at least one new person every week. My parents and sisters have known for some time, so this year started with some of the individuals at my business, then all of my employees, then my best friend of the past 14 years (this past Monday).
My staff were all pretty surprised and non-judgemental, which was awesome. We've even worked together (them and Gillian) on a Saturday on a special project and I didn't pick up on any weird vibes at all.
My best friend was a different story - but he's a sensitive and caring person (don't tell him that, he'll deny it!). He was very worried that I'm making a bad decision. I popped over and we went for a drive and I told him - he was totally shocked. For the next couple hours he tried over and over again to reason it and analyze it and of course failed every step of the way. I can't explain this in any logical terms, and my vocabulary for sharing my emotions and feelings has had very little practice to this point. He felt bad the next morning and texted me that he felt he should have been more supportive and was there for me. He's a great friend.
Being out and about in my home town is a little odd - I've avoided it for so long Gillian feels almost like a stranger here. I see people I saw all the time and I notice that I'm acting a bit embarrassed around them and I hate that - working hard to be as natural with the people I recognize as those I don't.
I haven't run into any extended family or friends yet, it's just a matter of time. However now that I've begun spreading the news about me more widely I'm sure the rumour mill will start to turn before long so it won't be a total surprise. Friends I'm not worried about at all, but family I have to get better at keeping in touch with my parents so I'm sure they're prepared.
Anyways, today is a special day. I'm finally making it to a Dignity Canada sponsored evening at Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto. The topic is "Living from the Centre" lead by Barbara Sheppard, and it's followed by a mass. I'm not sure what to expect, but I think this will be an important experience along the path to reconnecting with my faith.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Retrospective on 2010
As the year comes to a close, I'm looking back at how far I and the people around me have come.
A year ago, I had just undergone the final surgery punctuating the completion of my battle with cancer, from which I emerged victorious with new strength and resolve.
Since deciding a few years ago to tackle my gender identity issues, this year has finally seen some significant strides in that direction.
In February I came out to my two sisters. My youngest sister accepted and was immediately supportive, I've visited her twice since as Gillian and love that she introduces me to her friends as her sister. My middle sister has struggled throughout the year, her husband and kids are a long way off but she may be nearly ready to meet me.
In the spring, my SO and I kept travelling along our path - trying to keep our Wednesdays together as a special day for reconnecting. I would take the day away from the office to spend as myself, have a nice lunch with her (we discovered a wonderful restaurant in Uxbridge - The Tin Mill), maybe do a little shopping. In the evening we went into Toronto so I could attend my group session for the Gender Identity Clinic at CAMH and Sharon would read quietly at the local Starbucks.
I made some wonderful friends at the CAMH group, did a lot of discovery and soul searching and confirmed I was on the right path.
Also in the spring I decided it was time to begin HRT, and asked my family doctor for a referral to the endocrinologist that CAMH recommended. In August I saw him and began HRT. This marked the beginning of my physical transition.
In July the group at CAMH disbanded for the summer, but also the facilitator - Maxine Petersen, a person I'd grown to respect, announced she was retiring. There has not been a group meeting at CAMH since. We (myself and the friends I made there) continue to hope they resume the program in 2011.
Over the summer, my SO struggled with the social implications of continuing our relationship through my transition. Don't get me wrong - she fully supports me, but she struggled with the authenticity of being known as a lesbian when she knew it wasn't strictly true. We came through it, but I can't say we were really past it until we attended the couples sessions at Fantasia Fair in Provincetown in October. They were amazing, helped us understand our relationship in the larger social context, and continued to solidify our bond. On the way driving home from Fantasia Fair we read aloud Transgender Explained by Joanne Herman. We talked a lot, and this was the first book I'd read that I pretty much fully identified and agreed with. I now have 3 copies I lend to family and friends.
In October, now a couple months into HRT and feeling pretty comfortable with myself, I began to really feel the vacant spot where my religious faith used to be. I was baptized and raised Roman Catholic, and felt for a long time that it wasn't worth the effort to try and reconcile my authentic self and my childhood faith. However, I had some great conversations with folks at Fantasia Fair and have been in contact with some folks that may be able to help me come to terms with this.
Even though the current Catholic leadership seems against me, I've met some wonderful people and indications seem to be that folks in general are reasonably accepting or at least tolerant. I can only hope that through efforts of more progressive Catholic organizations that we can show these leaders what the medical community has learned over recent years - that this isn't something that can be "prayed away" or "cured" through psychotherapy. That it is normal, and natural, and God's intention that some of us be blessed with this extraordinary perspective.
In October through December I attended the Gender Journeys program through the Sherbourne Health Clinic in Toronto. The program was amazing, and I met so many wonderful people - it was a more structured program than the group at CAMH and the participants were so wonderfully diverse.
In November I came out to my parents. This was huge and it's still very new to to them, but we're working our way through it. It's just taking a lot of time, talking, and patience. I fear they feel alone in this, and am trying to help.
Christmas was both relaxing and difficult for me. I enjoy this time of year, seeing and catching up with my extended family. However I wonder how many more years I will have like this, before I'm fully out, and how that will affect how I relate to them. I had to laugh at the moments when someone would ask what's new and I'd have to go through the inventory searching desperately for non-trans-related material!
And now, after a much needed Christmas break I'm considering what 2011 will mean for me and my family. Given everything I've done in 2010, I'm a bit nervous about all the tremendous things I will accomplish next year. What will the next steps in my transition be? Will I continue to be as well accepted has I have been up until now? Will my parents eventually come to terms with this?
Only time will tell - and I'm both looking forward to and dreading the journey.
A year ago, I had just undergone the final surgery punctuating the completion of my battle with cancer, from which I emerged victorious with new strength and resolve.
Since deciding a few years ago to tackle my gender identity issues, this year has finally seen some significant strides in that direction.
In February I came out to my two sisters. My youngest sister accepted and was immediately supportive, I've visited her twice since as Gillian and love that she introduces me to her friends as her sister. My middle sister has struggled throughout the year, her husband and kids are a long way off but she may be nearly ready to meet me.
In the spring, my SO and I kept travelling along our path - trying to keep our Wednesdays together as a special day for reconnecting. I would take the day away from the office to spend as myself, have a nice lunch with her (we discovered a wonderful restaurant in Uxbridge - The Tin Mill), maybe do a little shopping. In the evening we went into Toronto so I could attend my group session for the Gender Identity Clinic at CAMH and Sharon would read quietly at the local Starbucks.
I made some wonderful friends at the CAMH group, did a lot of discovery and soul searching and confirmed I was on the right path.
Also in the spring I decided it was time to begin HRT, and asked my family doctor for a referral to the endocrinologist that CAMH recommended. In August I saw him and began HRT. This marked the beginning of my physical transition.
In July the group at CAMH disbanded for the summer, but also the facilitator - Maxine Petersen, a person I'd grown to respect, announced she was retiring. There has not been a group meeting at CAMH since. We (myself and the friends I made there) continue to hope they resume the program in 2011.
Over the summer, my SO struggled with the social implications of continuing our relationship through my transition. Don't get me wrong - she fully supports me, but she struggled with the authenticity of being known as a lesbian when she knew it wasn't strictly true. We came through it, but I can't say we were really past it until we attended the couples sessions at Fantasia Fair in Provincetown in October. They were amazing, helped us understand our relationship in the larger social context, and continued to solidify our bond. On the way driving home from Fantasia Fair we read aloud Transgender Explained by Joanne Herman. We talked a lot, and this was the first book I'd read that I pretty much fully identified and agreed with. I now have 3 copies I lend to family and friends.
In October, now a couple months into HRT and feeling pretty comfortable with myself, I began to really feel the vacant spot where my religious faith used to be. I was baptized and raised Roman Catholic, and felt for a long time that it wasn't worth the effort to try and reconcile my authentic self and my childhood faith. However, I had some great conversations with folks at Fantasia Fair and have been in contact with some folks that may be able to help me come to terms with this.
Even though the current Catholic leadership seems against me, I've met some wonderful people and indications seem to be that folks in general are reasonably accepting or at least tolerant. I can only hope that through efforts of more progressive Catholic organizations that we can show these leaders what the medical community has learned over recent years - that this isn't something that can be "prayed away" or "cured" through psychotherapy. That it is normal, and natural, and God's intention that some of us be blessed with this extraordinary perspective.
In October through December I attended the Gender Journeys program through the Sherbourne Health Clinic in Toronto. The program was amazing, and I met so many wonderful people - it was a more structured program than the group at CAMH and the participants were so wonderfully diverse.
In November I came out to my parents. This was huge and it's still very new to to them, but we're working our way through it. It's just taking a lot of time, talking, and patience. I fear they feel alone in this, and am trying to help.
Christmas was both relaxing and difficult for me. I enjoy this time of year, seeing and catching up with my extended family. However I wonder how many more years I will have like this, before I'm fully out, and how that will affect how I relate to them. I had to laugh at the moments when someone would ask what's new and I'd have to go through the inventory searching desperately for non-trans-related material!
And now, after a much needed Christmas break I'm considering what 2011 will mean for me and my family. Given everything I've done in 2010, I'm a bit nervous about all the tremendous things I will accomplish next year. What will the next steps in my transition be? Will I continue to be as well accepted has I have been up until now? Will my parents eventually come to terms with this?
Only time will tell - and I'm both looking forward to and dreading the journey.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Edging Out
I've been feeling the urge to come out lately. Maybe I'm being tired of feeling bottled up, maybe because I'm getting out more than ever, maybe because since I've come out to my parents the fear of being discovered has lifted.
This year has been very eventful for me - early in the year I came out to my two sisters. In November I came out to my parents. Between November and December I came out to two people in my business and a third person who does coaching for my staff.
This is different than those people I meet when I'm out shopping or at conferences and events because these people have known me for a long time.
The hardest reactions have been from my middle sister and my parents. They love me, and there's no question of that, but their love and concern really makes them question this choice that I'm making.
I'm not entirely sure they fully understand what my choice is. I feel in my soul that the choice is between continuing to live a half-life, or beginning to live an authentic life. Sometimes it feels like others think my choice is whether to be trans or not. I have expressed my feelings different ways, but in the end they're my feelings - I'm the only one who has felt them, and the words I use simply can't help someone else feel them.
Coming out to co-workers and friends is different, they don't know me as well as my family. In some ways it's easier because a negative reaction wouldn't hurt me as much, but in some ways it's harder because this is a very personal thing and we don't typically have conversations with this much intimacy. They take what I'm saying more at face value, and their questions are much less "are you sure this is what you want to do?" and more "wow, does electrolysis hurt?"...
All in all, this has been a very good year for my emergence. Since deciding this was my path, I've made and continue to make great strides along it. Next year will see continued change in me, both physically (I started hormones this year) and socially.
This year has been very eventful for me - early in the year I came out to my two sisters. In November I came out to my parents. Between November and December I came out to two people in my business and a third person who does coaching for my staff.
This is different than those people I meet when I'm out shopping or at conferences and events because these people have known me for a long time.
The hardest reactions have been from my middle sister and my parents. They love me, and there's no question of that, but their love and concern really makes them question this choice that I'm making.
I'm not entirely sure they fully understand what my choice is. I feel in my soul that the choice is between continuing to live a half-life, or beginning to live an authentic life. Sometimes it feels like others think my choice is whether to be trans or not. I have expressed my feelings different ways, but in the end they're my feelings - I'm the only one who has felt them, and the words I use simply can't help someone else feel them.
Coming out to co-workers and friends is different, they don't know me as well as my family. In some ways it's easier because a negative reaction wouldn't hurt me as much, but in some ways it's harder because this is a very personal thing and we don't typically have conversations with this much intimacy. They take what I'm saying more at face value, and their questions are much less "are you sure this is what you want to do?" and more "wow, does electrolysis hurt?"...
All in all, this has been a very good year for my emergence. Since deciding this was my path, I've made and continue to make great strides along it. Next year will see continued change in me, both physically (I started hormones this year) and socially.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Pride
What a great weekend!
I'd been looking forward to Pride weekend in Toronto for some time. I volunteered to help out at the Trans Space booth, and the Xpressions dinner was on Saturday night. Alas, I was unable to go again today due to family obligations.
Friday night I arrived in Toronto a bit early and had dinner with some friends, then I went to the booth for a bit of orientation, then we did the Trans March.
The Trans March was incredible - so many people both in the march and watching from the streets. We walked from Hayden St down to Wood St, where we stopped and milled around a bit shoulder-to-shoulder.
Saturday after a bit of parking trouble I spent the afternoon at the Trans Space booth talking to people. We had a "gender map" that was very popular and got so many passer-bys involved... People born a girl took a red pin, born a boy took a blue pin, and we had "identify as man" on the left, "identify as woman" on the right, "attracted to men" on top and "attracted to women" on the bottom. Then everyone pushed their pin into the board where they fit in the spectrum.
The board got a lot of people thinking and talking, which was exactly what we wanted...
The dinner at Cafe California was great as usual, good conversation and good food are two things you'll find at any Xpressions dinner...
I'd been looking forward to Pride weekend in Toronto for some time. I volunteered to help out at the Trans Space booth, and the Xpressions dinner was on Saturday night. Alas, I was unable to go again today due to family obligations.
Friday night I arrived in Toronto a bit early and had dinner with some friends, then I went to the booth for a bit of orientation, then we did the Trans March.
The Trans March was incredible - so many people both in the march and watching from the streets. We walked from Hayden St down to Wood St, where we stopped and milled around a bit shoulder-to-shoulder.
Saturday after a bit of parking trouble I spent the afternoon at the Trans Space booth talking to people. We had a "gender map" that was very popular and got so many passer-bys involved... People born a girl took a red pin, born a boy took a blue pin, and we had "identify as man" on the left, "identify as woman" on the right, "attracted to men" on top and "attracted to women" on the bottom. Then everyone pushed their pin into the board where they fit in the spectrum.
The board got a lot of people thinking and talking, which was exactly what we wanted...
The dinner at Cafe California was great as usual, good conversation and good food are two things you'll find at any Xpressions dinner...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Fathers Day
What a strange day for me :)
I am still father to three wonderful teenage girls. They want this day to be for me.
Is it bad that my most-wanted activities for Fathers Day are a mani/pedi and to go out for tea in some quaint Ontario town? I don't think so :) in fact maybe today is the best day for my kind of activities as all the stereotypical "guy" places will be pretty busy.
Thankfully my girls are very open minded, and although this is our "cleaning the house" weekend, I'm hoping for some relaxing time with the family and a nice movie.
I am still father to three wonderful teenage girls. They want this day to be for me.
Is it bad that my most-wanted activities for Fathers Day are a mani/pedi and to go out for tea in some quaint Ontario town? I don't think so :) in fact maybe today is the best day for my kind of activities as all the stereotypical "guy" places will be pretty busy.
Thankfully my girls are very open minded, and although this is our "cleaning the house" weekend, I'm hoping for some relaxing time with the family and a nice movie.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Am I An Imposter?
Sometimes when I'm out as a guy, I find myself feeling like an impostor.
Last week, I went golfing, first time in probably 15 years. I really enjoyed the golf, but at the pub afterwards I felt like an impostor in the group (3 men).
This weekend, I went to a BBQ with some of my wife's high-school friends some of whom she hasn't seen in 20 years. I enjoyed the company but when getting into the stereotypical guy conversations again I felt like an impostor.
At the BBQ, there were some great musicians and I found myself yearning to pick up my guitar again. Especially listening to one fellow who declared that he'd always played guitar but couldn't really play any songs until a couple years ago.
I'd love to play and sing, but I know my voice wouldn't fit. My natural voice is very male, sort of high baritone to tenor range. I'm probably going to play around some, but don't hold a lot of hope I could pull this off as Gillian.
Last week, I went golfing, first time in probably 15 years. I really enjoyed the golf, but at the pub afterwards I felt like an impostor in the group (3 men).
This weekend, I went to a BBQ with some of my wife's high-school friends some of whom she hasn't seen in 20 years. I enjoyed the company but when getting into the stereotypical guy conversations again I felt like an impostor.
At the BBQ, there were some great musicians and I found myself yearning to pick up my guitar again. Especially listening to one fellow who declared that he'd always played guitar but couldn't really play any songs until a couple years ago.
I'd love to play and sing, but I know my voice wouldn't fit. My natural voice is very male, sort of high baritone to tenor range. I'm probably going to play around some, but don't hold a lot of hope I could pull this off as Gillian.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)