Sharon was cleaning up some clutter, and came across a cross-stitch project that she did to commemorate our wedding in '95. It's almost complete, and just needs a few more stitches.
But we wondered what to do with it.
You see, it has my old name, and depicts a smartly dressed man and a woman in a beautiful flowing dress, with a flower girl behind scattering petals.
I almost cried as we decided it should just be put away for now. It took Sharon a couple years to stitch, and it commemorates one of the happiest events of my life - our marriage - which is sacred and dear to me.
From a practical perspective, it's difficult to frame and hang because it reminds me of a time I was trying desperately to be someone else. A time during which I had put away discovering who I was in order to start a new life with my soul-mate, her daughter, and our new beautiful baby girl.
I don't want to hide who I was. My life to this point had so many things that were good. Hiding them hides a part of who I am today.
Part of me wishes I had come to terms with my gender so long ago. But when?
If I'd done so while a teenager, I'm sure I would have been at CAMH for shock therapy in the '80s so I could get "fixed".
If I'd done so while in university I'd have truly been alone - being in a remote city, with no family or friends nearby, at a time when transgender wasn't even a word.
If I'd done so early in my relationship with Sharon, I'm not sure our relationship would have made it through. Not that she didn't know something was up with me, but what I knew about myself then was something she felt she could deal with.
If I'd done so early my professional career, I'm not sure we'd have survived financially. Those were hard enough years due to trying to raise a family on only one (not so great) income.
And that brings us to now, where I'm quite pleased with how my transition has been going.
However I've gathered half a lifetime of fond memories in the wrong gender. They make me happy, and sad, and will continue to bring tears as long as I have them.
Oh Stacey, you write so beautifully! And wow, this is must be so confusing... I myself am at a place where I believe we have to go where we go to get where we get... We had a Blessing Way for Susan 2 nights before her surgery where we thanked Bob for bringing her to me, thus bringing our son Daniel into the world! Had Susan emerged any earlier, maybe I would not have had the maturity to deal with the challenges of this situation. Now it is Susan's turn, as it is Stacey's turn... Steve and Bob taught you both a lot and made you the interesting women that you ARE!!!
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