A Sad Feeling

Something happened today that took me off-guard. It's not the first time something like this has happened, but today I decided to write about it.

Sharon was cleaning up some clutter, and came across a cross-stitch project that she did to commemorate our wedding in '95. It's almost complete, and just needs a few more stitches.

But we wondered what to do with it.

You see, it has my old name, and depicts a smartly dressed man and a woman in a beautiful flowing dress, with a flower girl behind scattering petals.

I almost cried as we decided it should just be put away for now. It took Sharon a couple years to stitch, and it commemorates one of the happiest events of my life - our marriage - which is sacred and dear to me.

From a practical perspective, it's difficult to frame and hang because it reminds me of a time I was trying desperately to be someone else. A time during which I had put away discovering who I was in order to start a new life with my soul-mate, her daughter, and our new beautiful baby girl.

I don't want to hide who I was. My life to this point had so many things that were good. Hiding them hides a part of who I am today.

Part of me wishes I had come to terms with my gender so long ago. But when?

If I'd done so while a teenager, I'm sure I would have been at CAMH for shock therapy in the '80s so I could get "fixed".

If I'd done so while in university I'd have truly been alone - being in a remote city, with no family or friends nearby, at a time when transgender wasn't even a word.

If I'd done so early in my relationship with Sharon, I'm not sure our relationship would have made it through. Not that she didn't know something was up with me, but what I knew about myself then was something she felt she could deal with.

If I'd done so early my professional career, I'm not sure we'd have survived financially. Those were hard enough years due to trying to raise a family on only one (not so great) income.

And that brings us to now, where I'm quite pleased with how my transition has been going.

However I've gathered half a lifetime of fond memories in the wrong gender. They make me happy, and sad, and will continue to bring tears as long as I have them.

Retrospective on 2011

All I can say is "wow"...

In 2009 I realized, after 30 years of learning to accept myself, that I needed to transition. 2011 marks my social transition, I could not hold back any longer. There are still many milestones to achieve, but I am finally living my life authentically. No more hiding who I am, pretending to be what others think I should be.

At the end of 2009, I underwent the final surgery wrapping up my knock-down drag-out fight with cancer. I'm in good health, down to annual ultrasounds to watch for signs of any return. Now I look back on that chapter of my life and take it as a learning experience. Live your life, no excuses. Know how happy and blessed we are to have it.

In 2010 the theme was prepping for transition. I started taking hormones (estrogen and an anti-androgen), and I told my close family to give them some time to get used to the idea. I regret that I initially picked such a long timeline (my spouse and I thought 5 years would be reasonable), as often happens when you try and predict the future, it just doesn't work out the way you think.

At the beginning of 2011, our youngest daughter came out as lesbian - and this tilted our world sideways a little. Protecting her socially from my transition was overshadowed by supporting and preparing her for her own emergence. It seemed silly in hindsight to try and hide this from our children's school-mates, the school they attend is a very positive place compared to many other high schools in our area. We got involved with our local PFLAG chapter, and that was an incredible place to find friends and support for her and us.

In January I started coming out to friends, closest friends first, key folks at the office, then the entire office, and by July I made the announcement to all friends and family that I was going full-time in August. I got back so many wonderful letters of support, some from areas of the family I didn't expect. It was an incredibly emotional time for me, so many joyful tears.

My parents struggled the whole year, and continue to struggle. This is moving so fast for them, but I couldn't hold back. As some trans folks describe it, my bell rang, and I had to sprint forward. To continue living the lie that was my old life went against everything I stand for. Courage, responsibility, being true to yourself and the world. Now more than ever my daughters, especially my youngest, need a strong role model. I have to live my life the way I want them to live theirs, to show them how to be strong and compassionate.

My spouse and I have found friends through the local LGBT community, and we're coming to terms with the idea that our relationship is no longer the universally accepted male-female one. That the simple act of holding hands is now a magnet for drawing hatred from those who believe same-sex marriage is wrong. However I realize most people support us, and I know what the barriers I build in front of myself look like now. This year will be the year we break through this.

Transitioning at work was a total non-issue. The team was caught off guard at first by my new mostly unpracticed voice, but that came around in time. The office is just business as usual, which is awesome. Other people in the building have also been very supportive, and I'm enjoying making new friends.

My old male friendships have mostly fallen away now. Not by any specific intent, I could say that they'd mostly fallen away in 2010. While I'm sad that it has happened this way, I wonder what we have in common now.

I planned going full-time in Aug because some key family events passed in July and that would give folks time before Christmas (the next big family event) to get used to the idea of me. I initially planned for just a small Christmas, just my spouse and the kids and her parents on Christmas day. However, a very supportive cousin invited me to her place for a Christmas eve tradition that my Dad's side of the family has always had. It was a wonderful time to introduce myself to my cousins, and we had a fun family evening of visiting and conversation. Being out, having some of our traditional Ukrainian foods, and feeling part of our extended family completely put me in the Christmas spirit this year.

My parents and middle sister retreated to Florida this year over Christmas for the first time. Normally we'd have seen my Dad's side of the family on Christmas Eve at my parents' house, and my Mom's side of the family on Christmas Day also at their house, which had them preparing two entire Christmas dinners for 20 plus people each day. This has been getting overwhelming for them as they get older, but I can't help thinking that they also ran away a little to avoid dealing with me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. 2011 also marks the year I discovered contemplative prayer, and despite being rejected by the Catholic church, I try to maintain a quiet personal relationship with God and pray often for my parents, family and friends.

So here I am, day 1 of 2012, looking forward to the year ahead. New friendships, new milestones, and hopefully some good progress in family relations. 2011 was energizing, and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I've never felt so good in all my life.