Laser

Had my 8th session on my face last week. A lot of patches are really stubborn and just not going away.

Thinking about changing clinics. Will watch to see what comes back on my face and get another session on my arms in the meanwhile.

I hate this body hair. I'm so self-conscious about it.

I did go out on Saturday for dinner with the least makeup I've ever worn. And I felt good about it. I think that says a lot right there. Maybe I shouldn't stress so much.

Overcompensating

I've been thinking lately about how I've overcompensated for things in the past. Trying to run away, if only for a short time, from being born a guy. I think back to when I used to wear heavy makeup to cover my male face, and wish for a huge bust to distract from my male chest.

I've noticed lately that this has been subsiding. I am comfortable with minimal makeup (mostly thanks to laser, but also because I'm not stressing over its shape so much now). I even went out with minimal breast enhancement a couple weeks ago (I normally wear a 38C or D, but went out in a nice push-up 38A bra). I've also taken to not wearing my padded panties every time I go out.

The difference in how I feel has been subtle, but moving. I feel more like it's me I'm presenting rather than a facade.

Seeing the Girl

Today was an especially good day for this.

So often, I look in the mirror and can barely see the girl for the guy in front. On days like today, I look in the mirror and can barely see the guy.

It makes me feel good, and it's reassuring that I'm moving in the right direction.

I think what tipped the scales today is the little bit of foundation I was wearing. It really wasn't much, but it made just enough difference in the tone of my skin that Gillian popped right out.

Many things about my appearance are finally coming together - I love my long hair, and I've had 6 laser hair removal sessions on my face. Basically that means with minimal makeup and the right hairstyle, I'm looking pretty femme.

Dancing

I've always been very fond of music. I play several instruments, I listen to music constantly, I have a wide range of tastes.

But I had never really enjoyed dancing.

I always felt awkward. Out of place and self-conscious. Deathly afraid I'd look like a girl in front of my friends. So I just always avoided it.

I'd thought occasionally over the past year that the girl in me might really enjoy dancing. My deeply ingrained fear kept getting the better of me.

This past weekend though I had a revelation. I just did it - I was at the Gal's Spring Fling, my makeup and dress were fabulous, I was feeling great about myself, and I started to feel the music. I looked at my wife, our eyes connected and we headed straight for the dance floor.

I was hooked.

From the time the music started to after midnight, even though at the end of the night my feet were killing me from dancing in 3" heels, I couldn't stop. I had no structure, no "moves", I just flowed with the music, and the whole time felt like some crazy sexy freestyle artist.

My wife was shocked - she said, "Now we know, you're a girl!" All those years who knew I had this bottled up inside me. It felt amazing to let it out. So free.

And now, after years of disappointing my wife by never wanting to go out dancing I finally find myself intrigued and wanting to go out again.

Emerging

This blog has been a long time coming.

I'm a male-to-female transgendered person, working my way towards living life full time as a woman. I'm over 40, married for 15 years with three teenaged girls.

My wife is understanding, and although I was honest with her before we were married, my emergence has constantly challenged that understanding with its changing landscape.

I've passed many important events in my emergence so far, and at this point am comfortable out and about en-femme in just about any situation.

I'm intending this blog to be a diary of my continued emergence, as I go from only living 2-3 days a week in my felt gender to living full-time. It will take some time, as I can't be too disruptive to my family or business.

I hope my stories here will help others come to terms with their own transgendered identity, inspire them to overcome the hurdles they find in front of them.