It has been one year today that I let my façade slip away.
I haven't shared the past year with all the people I'd have liked to, but I take solace in having done this not to hurt others, but to stop hurting myself.
I have felt more free and alive than I have ever felt in my life the past year. Oh sure, life continues, money stuff, work stuff, family stuff. I used to have this shield, where I could plough through the roughest times oblivious to everything except my goal. Life became constantly living behind that shield until 4 years ago. Now, I feel connected to life. It hurts more, but the rewards are so much better.
The past year has led to possibly irreparable damage to my family of origin. Initial rejection, being told I was not welcome in my parents' house unless I put on my old act, led to more isolation and friction. My baby sister got married, and there wasn't the remotest possibility of being the part of it I wanted to be. My wife, increasingly frustrated by disrespectful comments and actions, lack of tolerance let alone acceptance, and my own reaction to the situation finally made her feelings known rather viciously, shattering long broken relationships. These days I sit amongst that rubble, catching the odd glimpse of back-chatter vitriol against my wife, against me, angry at all of them.
Despite all this, my year has been amazing. My business celebrated 10 years in January, a huge accomplishment, some wonderfully supportive cousins attended and brought flowers and best wishes from my aunt and uncle who were in Florida. My business is a political centrepiece for high-tech and innovation in the region, they have a flyer for us, and I have spoken at conferences. Five years ago I receded from public view, but burst forth with new energy last fall and not only regained lost ground, but gained so much new ground.
I attended my first wedding shower, alas not for my sister but for my cousin. I felt a little on display, but everyone was at least tolerant and most were wonderful. Even situations that couldn't be avoided like talking about my male childhood were no big deal. Having grown up without any social inclusion as my felt gender, this is one of the things that I've really been looking forward to.
More and more I don't think people realize I'm transgender, which raises a little fear that I'm somehow perpetuating the "transgender deceiver" fiction. It may just be that this fear is echoing the undertone I feel from my family of origin (who "know better"). On the other hand, for the first time in my life people are seeing who I am, and accepting me for that. I had thought the affirmation in this I'd felt years ago when I began going out as my felt gender would diminish over time. I've been surprised that in some respects it has become stronger. Of course, this is only year 1... ask me again at year 10.
I'm volunteering more in situations that matter, my involvement with the community, helping in peer support situations, with youth. I don't know if it's me or what, but there seems to be an outpouring of people who are gaining the courage to question and talk about their gender. Of course, I've stepped into the fountain and turned on the water, maybe I shouldn't be surprised to get wet :) I can only imagine how my life would have been different growing up in today's climate. I refrain from saying these kids have it easier, there is nothing easy about this journey.
My fear of hospitals has receded a little. I caused confusion, but was treated with tremendous respect at Sunnybrook at my cancer follow-up in June. Despite this, I still feel life will be smoother in a body that is more congruous with who I am, especially as I age. I will be proceeding with GRS in the next year, which officially makes me pre-op - gotta love labels.
So time will tell what the next year holds for me. One thing I know for sure, it will be me that greets it.
