As I've come along this journey, over the past few years I've formulated a theory and a way that I enjoy explaining the variations that people see in Gender and Sexuality.
I call it my Four-Compass Theory.
It basically goes like this:
Everyone should know what a compass looks like - a round device with markings for North, South, East and West and a floating needle that points North.
Now it rarely points precisely towards any of its labels, and this is important to remember throughout this essay.
I believe a person's Gender and Sexuality can be roughly (not precisely, don't start throwing rotten tomatoes at me!) described using 4 compasses.
The first compass, your Physical Sex, is declared by your mother's doctor when you're born. Your genitals are observed and the doctor declares, "It's a boy!" Well, normally it's clear. For Intersex people it may be somewhere in between boy and girl, and any variation in the appearance of the genitalia may cause a moment of confusion. There are also other controversial factors behind which little research has been done, things like female or male traits in the brain, that can't be seen.
The second compass, your Sexual Orientation, is who you're romantically or physically attracted to. If your first compass points near male, it might be strongly due-female (Heterosexual) or due-male (Homosexual). Or somewhere in between (Bi-Sexual), or all spinny and indeterminate (Pan-Sexual?).
The third compass, your Gender Expression, is instinctive but also socially influenced. You may appear to all around you as 100% man or woman. You may have behaviours or traits that seem contradictive to how people of your "assigned gender" are expected to act or look in your society – a strong jawline, a feminine nose, a certain bounce to your walk, the way you hold your hands, etc.
And the fourth compass, your Gender Identity, is how you feel inside. This is the most challenging compass to read, because nobody knows really how anybody else feels inside. It tends to be invisible to others, and there are no medical tests, or psychological tests that can conclusively determine the direction in which your Gender Identity compass points. But it is a strong and persistent feeling internal to us all, and may point due-male, due-female, somewhere in between, or all spinny and indeterminate.
Now, you can see the "norms" in these compasses - someone's first compass (Physical Sex) points male, their second compass (Sexual Orientation) points female, their third compass (Gender Expression) points male, and their fourth compass (Gender Identity) points male. Someone born male, comfortable in their maleness, and attracted to females.
You can also see other simple patterns (sorry in advance for these labels, I don't mean to offend) like a masculine gay male - someone born male, who is attracted to men, who looks and acts like a man (he wouldn't immediately tweak any but the strongest "gay-dar"), and he identifies as a man. Or a feminine gay male, someone born male, who is attracted to men, who may have some effeminate behaviours, but who strongly identifies as a man (does not feel feminine). Or a butch lesbian - born female, attracted to women, has more male behaviours and an aversion to frilly things, and strongly identifies as a woman and will punch your lights out if you suggest otherwise.
Enough of labels. As you can see, you can invent quite a few because these compasses can be pointing in all kinds of directions. In the end, people are who they are and should be loved and respected for that alone.
For me, I had a very difficult time deciding upon transition because from society's perspective only my Gender Identity compass was "off-kilter". Remember, there are no medical tests that can determine your Gender Identity, this can only come from within. I was declared male when I was born. I have never been attracted to men, only women. I did not exhibit any particularly feminine traits in my appearance or behaviour. I just had this nagging friction going through life that something was wrong. Unless I had explored presenting as female part-time, I would never have known that that was the cause of my friction.
I owe a lot to the transgender community, especially the Xpressions group in Toronto for encouraging me to step out of my closet and experience life in my felt gender. Without those experiences (and enough of them to get past the high of "OMG I'm actually doing this!"), when the repeated question from my psychiatrist at CAMH came - "Do you feel more comfortable in the male role or female role?" I would not have been able to honestly answer it.
So there it is, my Four Compass theory and a bit of discussion around it. So think about yourself, where do your compasses lie?
